A letter....

An open letter…

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thanks for always being my friend. I know we’ll always have a connection. I do love you & I thought I could never love a woman.

I really hate you. I hate you for all the years of verbal abusive. When I say I have forgiven you & I can work on our marriage, I’m lying. I still love you but I hate who you have been. Yes I had sex with him & it was the best I ever had Oh & YES I have faked it with you.. more often then not!

Yes I fell totally head over heels in love with you.. I mean totally.. Crazy love.. I think about you the minute I wake up until I fall asleep & then I still dream about you. I want to be the person who fixes your breakfast. I hate your wife when she calls & bitches about the stupid stuff you do. I want to your wife to annoy. I get sad when I think of the memories we shared & I wonder if you still think about me.

I’m sorry all the years of watching your dad treat me bad has given you mistrust in men. Please know not all men are like that. You’re such a beautiful girl & I feel so bad you can’t see yourself the way I do.

& finally to my younger-self, Stand up to him, you’re not worthless & he’s not the best you can get.

I'm cold and I think I need a hug.

I think it may be the weather. But I feel mentally cold.

I cant’ remember the last time I was hugged. A deep bone crushing hug & the kind were I can feel the imprint of your body.

I miss him sooo much! We tried to be friends; we tried to keep the talk PG. But every fucking time the conversation turned flirty, we’d remember the last stolen moment we had together & after that early morning we both knew that we had to pull back the rains or we couldn’t remain friends. We both are terrified they will catch the glances, the smirks or the embraces that lasted a little too long for friends.

When I talk to his wife sometimes I can hear him in the background & my heart will skip a beat remembering his hands on my body. And it's worse when the 4 of us get together. I catch him looking at me & I almost see a glimmer of longing!

Just for a spilt second

Our eyes locked for a moment & I held my breath.
I would have surrender to your touch so thank god you didn't dare!

I thought this would fade over time & things would move on.
But every time I see you my heart beats faster & a desire washes over me.

Can you tell? Do you care?

Things are easily tossed out but memories stick around.

Today I tore-up a part of you...

The text where you said you held my sweater for months until it no longer smelled like me.
The text where you said I'd taken up permanent resident in your heart. Where you said I have a hold of you.

But it can't erase the memory when we laid in bed for a stolen moment & you whispered "Why do things seem so right & easy with you" I was lost in your embrace & didn't have an answer. As I still don't

Do you think of that early morning, looking for shooting stars?

Madness

I have a madness inside me now. A fire that will need feeding again one day. You lit that fire for me and I thank you for that. I hope that where you go, you will see it glow, as I feel it. Always.

A deep desire

A have a desire to be the one you fall asleep with, the one you wake up to & the one you hold.
My skin can still feel your hands touching me.
My eyes can still see your smirk as you tease me.
But my heart as forgotten the rhythm it would beat.

My confusing world would melt around me.

I often left thinking about the path we both chose & how it might be different if we both let our guard down, if we surrendered to the chemistry & if we stopped thinking about the consequent.

I didn't want to lose a friendship & you didn't want to lose a wife.

Secret

I look into your eyes & see what can be. I feel safe, free & valued. Your eyes have never judged me & all I can see is lust, want & passion.

As we lay together with so many obstacles between us I feel overcome with desire. I want to reach out & touch you; feel your skin on mine again.

The night goes on and the darkness hides lonely tears & secret touches. For a moment I can feel your breathe on my neck and I long for it to be kisses.

We are trying to be good & just friends. Will this connection between us fade over time? Will I find your eyes in another man?

Please, stop running your fingers through my hair every time we say goodbye!