A letter....

An open letter…

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thanks for always being my friend. I know we’ll always have a connection. I do love you & I thought I could never love a woman.

I really hate you. I hate you for all the years of verbal abusive. When I say I have forgiven you & I can work on our marriage, I’m lying. I still love you but I hate who you have been. Yes I had sex with him & it was the best I ever had Oh & YES I have faked it with you.. more often then not!

Yes I fell totally head over heels in love with you.. I mean totally.. Crazy love.. I think about you the minute I wake up until I fall asleep & then I still dream about you. I want to be the person who fixes your breakfast. I hate your wife when she calls & bitches about the stupid stuff you do. I want to your wife to annoy. I get sad when I think of the memories we shared & I wonder if you still think about me.

I’m sorry all the years of watching your dad treat me bad has given you mistrust in men. Please know not all men are like that. You’re such a beautiful girl & I feel so bad you can’t see yourself the way I do.

& finally to my younger-self, Stand up to him, you’re not worthless & he’s not the best you can get.

Would life be better if we had a delete button?

You’re worthless… DELETE

You always fuck up… DELETE

Everything is your fault… DELETE

I wish you were dead… DELETE

I’m the only friend you should want… DELETE

I’m the best you’ll ever get… DELETE

How easy would that be? I have beat myself up for staying with him as long as I did, I was crazy scared. I was scared of failing; I was scared of not being enough. I’m still scared but I’m scared I will never get over the pain, hurt & utter heartache. Heartache, if you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you know the heartache that brings you to your knees. When you wish the earth would just swallow you. When you feel so alone, maybe your heart has disappeared.

…

My initial affair was my guiding light. That night made me more aware of my needs then I have been in my adult life. One of the last times we had sex alone I cried; I cried because there was no way I could convey the gratitude that came close to what my heart was feeling. He kissed away my tears & I think he got it.

he relays on me to make himself feel like a good lover

A needs me to have an orgasm, he relays on me to make himself feel like a good lover. It's a talk I have often with my husband, Orgasms. I don't need to have one every time we have sex. I tell him it's like window shopping; I have fun doing it & don't necessarily need to buy something. His comeback is always the same; I need you to have one so I feel like a good lover.. WTF! I have three big problems with that statement. 1st being; it seems very selfish, 2nd it puts a ton pressure on me & lastly it shows no confidence.

Toy is busy again with work & wife. I'm thinking the stars will never fall into place.

Chatted with C a little this morning. I said I was sorry for my mood yesterday. He said no problem, everyone has those days. Sometimes I think he's too nice or too fake. If I would have talked like that around my husband he would have called me a bitch. Who is right?