A letter....

An open letter…

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thanks for always being my friend. I know we’ll always have a connection. I do love you & I thought I could never love a woman.

I really hate you. I hate you for all the years of verbal abusive. When I say I have forgiven you & I can work on our marriage, I’m lying. I still love you but I hate who you have been. Yes I had sex with him & it was the best I ever had Oh & YES I have faked it with you.. more often then not!

Yes I fell totally head over heels in love with you.. I mean totally.. Crazy love.. I think about you the minute I wake up until I fall asleep & then I still dream about you. I want to be the person who fixes your breakfast. I hate your wife when she calls & bitches about the stupid stuff you do. I want to your wife to annoy. I get sad when I think of the memories we shared & I wonder if you still think about me.

I’m sorry all the years of watching your dad treat me bad has given you mistrust in men. Please know not all men are like that. You’re such a beautiful girl & I feel so bad you can’t see yourself the way I do.

& finally to my younger-self, Stand up to him, you’re not worthless & he’s not the best you can get.

Poems between us

To slip away and explore each other is a desire

that fills my body and mind

To kiss and hold you would be hotter then a star's fire

to make this happen, divine.

My reply...

Deep desire we can't control
& lust that seems to unfold
Sparks and clothes go soaring
I can't wait to hear you snoring!

Would life be better if we had a delete button?

You’re worthless… DELETE

You always fuck up… DELETE

Everything is your fault… DELETE

I wish you were dead… DELETE

I’m the only friend you should want… DELETE

I’m the best you’ll ever get… DELETE

How easy would that be? I have beat myself up for staying with him as long as I did, I was crazy scared. I was scared of failing; I was scared of not being enough. I’m still scared but I’m scared I will never get over the pain, hurt & utter heartache. Heartache, if you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you know the heartache that brings you to your knees. When you wish the earth would just swallow you. When you feel so alone, maybe your heart has disappeared.

…

My initial affair was my guiding light. That night made me more aware of my needs then I have been in my adult life. One of the last times we had sex alone I cried; I cried because there was no way I could convey the gratitude that came close to what my heart was feeling. He kissed away my tears & I think he got it.

Tuesday Ramblings

Just when I think you were indifferent to us, you played "our" song when I stepped out of the shower.

Passing all the pictures on the wall
Counting all the stairs I know them all
Knowing there is nothing left to say
I take her by the hand and lead the way
I lead the way for
When she comes
And she wants all the world to know
She calls my name, she calls my name
And she never lets me go
Have all my efforts found the way
Have all my efforts gone astray

Waiting by the closet down the hall
I can see her shadow on the wall
All of this for a bum like me
Beauty only for my eyes to see
I can see it
When she comes
And she wants everyone to know
She calls my name, she calls my name
And she never lets me go
Have all my efforts found the way
Have all my efforts gone astray

Feel all the pieces falling right back into place
Feel all emotions dripping down into my face
And all the love I know she feels for me
I can feel it
When she comes

I'm sorry readers for a lack of "weight" with my blogs right now. I'm going to look for some of my older ones because I write so much better when I'm happy beyond belief or very upset. I have trouble forming words when things are just ok. I'm totally stuck in a rut & that's a very bad place for me because I tend to make bad bad choices. I tend to be overly careless.

So no word from Toy... I think I'll stop thinking about it because it seems we run into each other when I least expect it. No beating around the bush next time, we need to get it on.. LOL

Nice Surprise

Look what was in my inbox this morning...

I want you here, now

right now

immediately

I want to make love to you.

I need to make love to you

with my eyes,

my hands,

my body

my soul.

You ignite my firey passion

I need you to unlock

All my secret desires.

That man has a way with words! Have you ever had a lover who just "got" you? The kind of lover where you don't have to say two words? Where a look is all you need or want? I'm looking for that in my "real" life.. Should I base a relationship on sexual chemistry?

Love or Lust

Love is like looking into your eyes and seeing and endless reflection

Love is like the breath that exhales from our lips

The animalistic thrusts both us of desire

The sound of our uncontrollable moans that echo

The perfume of our fluids mixture

The wetness of our skin pressing together

My nails dig in your covering which creates a line between lust and love

You hear me whisper fuck me harder, fuck me deeper

But really I’m begging you to love me harder, and love me deeper

We become one as my legs are wrapped around your strong shoulders

Your hands holding my face, whipping the tears you crafted

Tears of love, tears of joy, tears of sadness as this is only a dream.

You Have Me...

You’ll always have me here,

My heart, caged forever.
It will always belong to you in some way.
You seem to seep your way into my mind as much as possible.

Your Dream

I had a dream about you last night.. A dream that torments me today.. A dream I can't let go.

You came to me on all fours begging for forgiveness.. Begging for passion.

You have been bad & know it.

You need to remember what's it like to have me & only me.

Your wife will not do & you can't get me out of your head.

You beg for my body. My nails running along your back. My eyes pricing your heart.