Crying During Sleepovers

I cried myself to sleep last night... Crying because it wasn't me he was sleeping next to or waking up with. This relationship has hit me 10 ton wreaking ball; knocked me flat on my ass!

So I sent him a text after a restless night of tossing & turning, saying sadness is something I don't want in our friendship. I'm sorry I fell so hard & I can't deny the fact I love him. I asked him to stop staying with other women or I had to back away in order to protect myself from more heartache. I told him I'm ok with random hook-ups, which I really mean. Sex is sex after all. But I can't stand the thought of sharing him intimately with someone.

In my marriage I heard I'm not good enough.. In my affair he fucked me one hour & asked his girlfriend to marry him the next. I have never felt I'm someones everything. I want love.. I want passion.. I want trust.. I want respect.. I want it all and will not settle for less from now on.

So it comes down to my fear of pushing him away is overshadowed by my fear of falling back into old patterns. I will fight & I may lose him but in the long run I will find more of myself in the process.

Huge meaning for such three small words

We had a whole blissful weekend together.. Great sex, great food & even better conversations. In the middle of it all.. I said those three words.. I Love You... I wasn't looking for anything in return but I got it.
Yes I love him..
I love the person he is & the person he wants to become.
I love the way he makes me feel.
I love our time together.
I love his cock, hands & lips.
I love who I am around him.

Will those three little words change things between us? Time will only tell & we have talked about it.. We love what we have going & don't want it to change or get anymore serious. So for now I'll save those words for very tender moments & cherish the connection I have found!

Hubby did see a hickey when I stopped by the house to pick-up some stuff.. He asked if I had sex.. I came totally clean about the whole weekend.. My glow & smile could not tell a lie!

His dick made me blush!

HIM(7/7/2009 4:43:40 PM): My dick only wants you right now.
ME(7/7/2009 4:44:49 PM): ***blushing*** that's the nicest thing any dick has ever said to me!
HIM(7/7/2009 4:47:47 PM): Lol...u are so fucking funny! My dick told me he has a crush on u but I'm not sure if he wanted me to tell u.
ME(7/7/2009 4:51:15 PM): it's ok baby.. I wont tell him that you let the secret out.. I'm fond of him as well!
HIM(7/7/2009 4:57:18 PM): Maybe the two of u should get together soon

... ...

HIM(7/8/2009 3:45:59 PM): I wanna make out with u
ME(7/8/2009 3:46:49 PM): i want to see that look in your eyes right before you kiss me
HIM(7/8/2009 3:48:24 PM): Can't wait for u to see that...I love that feeling!
ME(7/8/2009 3:51:16 PM): why do you get me so good? i've been racking my brain
HIM(7/8/2009 3:53:00 PM): Soul mates??
ME(7/8/2009 3:55:04 PM): Since we're both a little gun shy about relationships, i'm not going as far to say that.. but you never know, huh?
HIM(7/8/2009 4:00:24 PM): We will know by the end of our weekend if were supposed to b together. What we do with that knowledge is up to us to decide at that point.
ME(7/8/2009 4:04:28 PM): I'm having so much fun & enjoying everything you have to offer. I'm letting my guard down not over thinking & enjoy each other.
HIM(7/8/2009 4:08:40 PM): I'm really trying not to overthink either. All I know is I constantly miss u unless I'm talking to u.
ME(7/8/2009 4:12:13 PM): i'm the same way.. We agree to take it one day at a time, not overthink things & enjoy each other.
HIM(7/8/2009 4:13:15 PM): Deal!
ME(7/8/2009 4:14:56 PM): see how easy that was
HIM(7/8/2009 4:18:52 PM): May b easier said than done...after we've been electrified by each other for 2 1/2 days but u know...will see??
HIM(7/8/2009 4:24:11 PM): Were gonna have fun...that's fo sho

... ...

ME (7/8/2009 4:28:18 PM): i have a feeling you may like that a little?
HIM(7/8/2009 4:28:37 PM): Yes please
ME (7/8/2009 4:29:58 PM): ok baby
ME(7/8/2009 4:30:08 PM): i have silly smile again
HIM(7/8/2009 4:31:08 PM): There are quite a few things u can do that will make me retaliate just how u want me too!
HIM(7/8/2009 4:32:07 PM): And if we keep getting along this good and u keep calling me baby...I'm gonna fall in love with u...dummy!
ME(7/8/2009 4:34:17 PM): your dick might get jealous afterall he has the crush, remember?


So what do we do? What if we get scared & run away from each other? I almost said Luv ya when I hungup the phone last night! CRAP

July 7th

Update..
He really thought I was full of shit when I told him it's ok to date & have fun and that I really don't want to hold him back.. Sure I can totally see a relationship with him but my head is taking the lead & telling my loins & heart to pipedown!

I told him I'm confident enough in myself to know what I have to offer is unique and it can't be found with someone else. I told him I want him to want me so I will speak my mind more openly then I have ever before.

I hope he understands!

One week ago today 7/5/09 & maybe I'll finish this post today 8/12/09

I started writing this blog post on 7/5/09 & it's now 8/12/09.. Should I even finish what I had started? Yes I remember what the date means & on 7/5 I was still looking at our first date with rose colored glasses.. Fuck, not even glasses more like blinders!

6/19/09 Our 1st mail...
6/28/09 Our 1st date...

Seems like a lifetime ago & it hasn't even been 2 months. A times like this I think I'm a total basket case. How the hell did I get myself so wrapped up in him?? How did I trust my heart & follow it so blindly? I know for starters I love with everything I have. Always have, always will & I fall hard for people. I know random dating wont work for me & I guess I should run at the 1st sign of falling for someone. Before I deleted all the texts & emails I read a lot & it came to me I had every right to feel the way I did for him, we totally "got" each other! But at the same time it seemed too perfect, too right & too much.

I get frustrated when I think about mixed signals.. He would say; All I know is I consistently miss you unless I'm talking to you. Then the next day he'd say he didn't want a relationship. I do understand the place we are at. We both have been married or in a relationship all our adult lives so I know we are not looking for a relationship & that's why were on that "adult" website. But what if things really do happen for a reason & how else could two people who live 3 hours apart meet? He got scared & ran to someone else.. I got scared & broke it off.

After being in a verbally abusive marriage for +15 years I have this bone deep need for someone to love me & feel valued. I think being aware of this is a huge step so I will keep myself in-check & not fall so hard so fast again!

July 5th

(TEXTMESS) Good morning. Hope ur 4th celebration went great. I just wanted u to know I have a date today. I've never had a connection with someone like the one I have with u and then gone out with someone else. Really feels weird and feels shitty to do to u. I keep reminding myself that this is what I'm doing right now in my life but it is still hard to do to u. I wanna know how u honestly feel. Don't tell me what I want to hear. Thank you

What do I say to that, help?

(REPLY)I’m trying to understand why you would think I haven’t been honest with you about my feelings & how on earth can I know what you want to hear. I'm not a mind reader.

Yes, I can see us having a relationship and at the same time, we both have a lot to figure out... I'm still legally married for starters & you need to concentrate your energy on you & your son. I'm scared that after my abusive marriage I'm going to latch on to any man who treats me better then he did.. I'm aware of that & I think it will help tone things down a bit. I'm confident enough to know whatever happens will be for the best. I want you to enjoy things & test the single waters. Please believe me. The connection we have isn't fading anytime soon, so I'll be here to support you, listen to you & offer advice when I can. Like I said in my IM.. We'll take it one day at a time, enjoy each other and have fun. The last thing I want is either of us to complicate things.

I will tell you, I don’t appreciate getting off-line messages like that & then not hear back.

XooX

Jo...

I shall call him JO
What can I say or where to start?
We need to be careful or things could move along way too FAST!

Just to start; He brought my favorite flowers, without me telling him.
I made hotel reservations at the hotel where his meeting is being held, without knowing & that's the tip of the iceberg!

We "get" each other & it clicks!

I may be in trouble & I'm trying not to read into anything.

Thank god we live hours apart. THANK GOD!

We've both have been in a long term relationship or a marriage all our adult lives & do not want a relationship right now!

Did I say thank god we live HOURS apart!?

Our 1st date was beyond amazing & more on that when I can give it the post it deserves!

oh boy!

Back up...
Hold in the reins..
Slow down...

My mind remembers the heartache of falling for someone but my heart & loins are shouting from the rooftop.. FUCK YA, WOOHOO.. As they sing Berry White!