I started writing this blog post on 7/5/09 & it's now 8/12/09.. Should I even finish what I had started? Yes I remember what the date means & on 7/5 I was still looking at our first date with rose colored glasses.. Fuck, not even glasses more like blinders!
6/19/09 Our 1st mail...
6/28/09 Our 1st date...
Seems like a lifetime ago & it hasn't even been 2 months. A times like this I think I'm a total basket case. How the hell did I get myself so wrapped up in him?? How did I trust my heart & follow it so blindly? I know for starters I love with everything I have. Always have, always will & I fall hard for people. I know random dating wont work for me & I guess I should run at the 1st sign of falling for someone. Before I deleted all the texts & emails I read a lot & it came to me I had every right to feel the way I did for him, we totally "got" each other! But at the same time it seemed too perfect, too right & too much.
I get frustrated when I think about mixed signals.. He would say; All I know is I consistently miss you unless I'm talking to you. Then the next day he'd say he didn't want a relationship. I do understand the place we are at. We both have been married or in a relationship all our adult lives so I know we are not looking for a relationship & that's why were on that "adult" website. But what if things really do happen for a reason & how else could two people who live 3 hours apart meet? He got scared & ran to someone else.. I got scared & broke it off.
After being in a verbally abusive marriage for +15 years I have this bone deep need for someone to love me & feel valued. I think being aware of this is a huge step so I will keep myself in-check & not fall so hard so fast again!
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