I'm really bad with names.. So don't tell me your name, just _____ me!

IM handles... Screen names... Code names... Real names

I can't keep them straight. I'm trying to find a playmate again & I'm really bad at keeping names to the person. I thought I'd be cute & try to give everyone a nickname & that didn't work.. So I guess if I can remember your screen name & then your real name & then keep the two linked in my brain, you're doing good & made an impression! 

xoxo Just Me

JO.. I guess I've been downgraded

[ME] Since u didn't text me back I'm going to assume you're dead, do you like roses or lilies? Aside from your being dead, I hope you have a good day.
[HIM] lol.. I can't manage multiple friends very well I guess! Sorry.. I'm good and how are you?
[ME] Things are good.. Work is getting busy & I had a blind date over the weekend. U didn't seem like your self last time we talked on the phone, so I was just concerned & wanted to check in..  If u need to talk you know where to find me. I'll leave the ball in your court...


So that's it & that's where I'm leaving it. Thanks for the ride; it's been real! So so sad as you know, I had such high hopes for this relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.. XOXO

I need to remember I have a lot to be thankful for & all that has been going on in my life is very small when you look at the bigger picture! I need to stop being bitter... I fell in love & had amazing sex, damn it! He had a choice & it wasn't me. His loss! Fuck him!

So today.. I'm thankful for my loyal friends, family, my great kid, my health & a job.

Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving & remembers to breath!

Blogging in no particular order...

Please be patient with me & my ramblings... These last few months have been a whirlwind of ups and downs & I'm trying to come to term with my past mistakes choices. Because can the really be mistakes if I learned something about myself in the process?

I've slept with people I shouldn't have, I allowed myself to be talk into situations & I didn't voice my needs often enough! I'm not self-assured so why should anyone have confidence in what I say?

One thing I know is I'm not blinding following my heart again. For years my heart kept telling me I loved him even tho the verbal abusive would not stop. My heart told me the affair was best for me & he really loved me. And just A month ago it told me he was worthy of my love & I would be loved in return. Now looking back to everyone of those relationships my brain was screaming.. Get the fuck out & save yourself! I guess I'm a hopeless romantic.

Will I be happy being single? I'm scared! But I know it's a question I need the answer to... I love love & hope I find it for myself!

Nightly Thoughts...

I realized last night no man in my life has deserved my undying loyalty; not one single soul. My husband was a controlling verbally abusive ass, so I had an affair. JO was seeing another girl while he was seeing me so I had a right to see other people. For both of them I would have gladly given up any man if I felt secure, but I didn't. I want one man to be my everything & they didn't deserve it! I want to be someones everything & I'm scared of falling in love again.
I'm sick of sex for the sake of just sex. I want loyalty & security above all else! I want to know where my body will be at night & with whom.
The guy manchild I had the affair with recently got in touch with me & I gladly told him NEVER again! Plus one for me. My husband the guy the court of law says I'm still married with puts the moves on me almost every-time I see him & turn him away. Plus two for me! I guess it's a good start considering I'm so fucking lonely. Now if only I'd be able to get JO out of my freaking dreams!

4U

I hate you each time I close my eyes;
Reality interferes with fading thoughts inside.
A smile misleads and draws me near.
I love the way you reduce me to tears.

My spirits distract and dissolve my prism
confronting beliefs and rendering their prison.
And as they keep in their dissonance,
I hold prayers and wish for your presence.

Yearning your glance hinders improvement
As I enter your aura and refuse movement
you aim a smirk and urge me away.
And the heart I gave, you continue to fray.

So bless my lips and string me along
serenade me with your suicide song.
Because with you, my smile is a sign of bluffing
but without you, my whole existance means nothing.

Me & Jo.. Update

We're trying to be friends because after all he's with her & not me. I really really like his friendship & I really really care about his life; all but the part regrading her. I don't want to hear about her; not one fucking word. I think she's wrong for him & I think it's stupid.. Which I can't say anything like that to him or I'll sound like a crazy jealous person... Can lovers morph into friends? Am I really holding on to the friendship so I'll have an open door when he's free again? Should I even want him? Should I tell him what she's told me?

When we first started this playship he was EVERY thing I wanted in a man except his heart was never mine. Sure he said he loved me, once while we were in bed together but now looking back I question it. All I know is my body misses his.. Every fiber of my being was energized when we were together & now I feel totally dead. I felt we could conquer the world...