Calling it off... Again!

Well I called off my newest relationship... Or toned it down or whatever term suits my mood.

It seems I got into the dreaded "friend" zone & I guess I'm not worth the effort it takes to make a long distance relationship work. He did say if/when I finally moved up there we could start where we left off & see where things go. My reply was don't bother. If I'm not worth the effort now it wont work.

So there it is.. I keep thinking maybe I should be dating around here but my future is not here!

Getting caught-up..

Why did I just go back & reread my posts about JO!! Why? I've moved on.. He's moved on...
I just realized that in the beginning of our relationship I never told him how deep I was in.. Would it have changed things.. or just scared him off? But wtf was I thinking? Only 2 months & I was acting like a crazed teenager! Jesus, get a grip girl!

Fast forward since the 1st of the year. I've been casually dating someone for 8 months now. It feels very real & levelheaded! I'm still unsure how he feels.. We've made plans for months away & that should be a good indication that things are well but I haven't heard it from his lips that he's committed to us. Should I even ask & risk sounding like a "chick" that I want to talk about our feelings? Or should I learn to relax?? Should I tell him how I'm falling for him? I have said "I miss you" and about the only thing I get back is "awwwww" Men!

Holy hell.. I can not believe it!!

So guess what?? I totally forgot today was the day I was dreading all week until I read my post from last week.. I can't believe I didn't think about him all day! Isn't it amazing what a hike, sometime outdoors & great company will do for a person?? AMAZING!

Here's a freaking great start to a new week!

XOXO

In too deep...

What do you do when you realize you are in deeper then the other person? Do you hold back with the hopes they will catch-up? Do you just let your feelings fly because why should you hold back?

It's been a year...

This week has been a tangle of emotions.. A year ago this coming Sunday; we meant. That crazy afternoon on the beach & in the sun. I never blogged about that meeting because my words could never do it justice. It was perfect. I keep thinking something would snap in my head & I would realize that perfect wasn't the case. But as hard as I try the word Perfect keeps coming back to me. He brought a picnic lunch that included Oreos & my favorite flower. We agreed not to have sex because we didn't want the pressure. I remember how his hands were shaking as he opened the beer. I remember that 1st kiss. I remember a single tear that fell from my cheek & how he kissed it away. I remember the 2nd kiss that lasted a little longer. The 3rd kiss... We looked at each other... His hands in my hair.. The sly smile he gave me & I was lost! We made love in the sun.. We both cried... & said this seems too good to be true that we found each other...

Fast forward a year.. He has a girlfriend & I have someone I'd like to call a boyfriend...

I miss him.. I miss his hands, his smile & his eyes. But I would I go back? I doubt it, after-all choices were made.  There has been a few close calls with him after dinner these past few months & while I would love to feel his body again; I know I deserve more. Something I should have said when he told about a date he had after our meeting... I deserved to be his everything. 

Don't make someone a priority when all you are is an option to them.. Lesson learned

I wonder if he still has the beach grass he grabbed as we walked back to the car?

JO

So he's coming over for dinner on Friday night.. We started out talking about lunch this week & somehow it turned into dinner at my house Friday.. Oh my!!!!

Update

Time speeds by like an old lady late for a bingo game. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while dear readers, please forgive me.


I’m still mourning the loss of JO & have meant someone & I’m not where it should go & I feel bad for getting into something when my head is clearly some where else & so lonely at night & …

& the soon-to-be EX was sitting in my car last night when I got off work... I freaked the fucked out & he called it over reacting. I’m scared to death & now any white car I see I think it’s his... Oh & check this out, his crazy ass mother has started going over my head or around my back & calling MY family to see if they would do something about me leaving her sweet darling son... GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!! I’m one crazier act away from getting a restraining order on them both!

So the new guy… Funny as hell, sexy & very mellow. Two things I need to come to terms with one being he smokes & if I would have known this sooner I most likely wouldn’t have returned his email & the second being he has a small child, which he was upfront about from the start. I thought ok single dad, he can have fun & I could not get involved. Wrong! The last two weekends we have spent together & we’re becoming close… Crap! Do I run or do I stay?

I just realized this post has more personal info then I ever meant to write. Oh well… if he finds this so be it!